The Man, The Myth, The Franco

I would really hate to have James Franco as an ex-boyfriend – and not just because of all the explaining I'd have to do. The man is everywhere and increasingly so. It used to be that if you wanted to see James Franco you had to rent Spiderman or dig up old episodes of Freaks and Geeks. Or maybe you could Google him and see what popped up, (hopefully WWJFD). For better or worse, (mostly worse), he wasn't part of our daily lives. It's hard to imagine that was ever the case with how often we're confronted with his face now.

Months and months ago, the blog WWJFD (What Would James Franco Do), started as a joke between my (now former) co-worker and I. After writing a rather interesting piece on whether or not James Franco is crazy, (conclusion still TBD), she prodded me to add a piece to the website. I put it off. Because that's what I do. I took off traveling around the U.S. before moving 6000 miles away from San Francisco to a little place we like to call New Zealand. I figured that being so far from James Franco and the American media, “The Frank” would fall out of my life.

I was wrong.

It all started innocently enough. I made friends with another girl living in my hostel. After we each moved into our respective flats we kept hanging out and started going to movies together. One evening she invited a group of people out to see Eat, Pray, Love. Now, you have to understand that I could have sworn I had missed out on seeing this film in the theater. It was practically out of DVD in the U.S. but had just hit South Pacific shores... apparently. I had put it off not because of James Franco, (that wouldn't have made any sense, no, none at all), but I suspect because I find Elizabeth Gilbert a little annoying. (Nothing personal, Liz. I'm sure it sucks to be a travel writer who can't stop falling in love. Or something.) Long story short, I watched it, loved it, and now I want to go to Bali.

But then again, you expect to see James Franco appear in a movie every once in awhile. He's an actor and they are prone to that. Seeing him in Eat, Pray, Love wasn't a surprise, (after all, I had been exposed to the previews for the film for months due to my change of locations). However, he would start to appear more and more in my world over the coming months. Each time, I'd be reminded that WWJFD needed an article. Each time, I'd think, “Maybe I should write that”.

Do you know how many times I've seen the preview for 127 Hours? Every single time I've gone out to the movies in the past five weeks. And that's a lot. Because I live in New Zealand and there isn't that much to do here. (Sure you can go hiking, but as I've learned from every preview I've seen of 127 Hours, there are potential dangers in that. But I digress...) Where I live, they tend to only show a couple of previews for upcoming movies along with an advert for something random like a bank or digital television before the feature presentation starts. That turns into a lot of accidental Franco ingestion over the long-term.

A friend from the States visited me over my Christmas holiday and we went off into some rather remote areas of New Zealand in search of sun, surf, and sand. We ended up in a small beach town where I grabbed the newspaper while walking to my room one day. I opened in up to find a two page spread on James Franco. In really small font. That's a lot of Franco for the middle of nowhere.

All of the above is in addition to comments I've overheard about Franco hosting the Oscars, Franco on General Hospital, Franco opening random art exhibitions, Franco dressing as a woman, Franco landing in a homemade spacecraft on the moon... It's an all Franco, all the time kind of world.

What was my most recent reminder of The Frank though? What finally made me write my article for WWJFD? I was wondering around my own living room about a week ago when my Irish flatmate walked in. She asked what I was up to anything in particular. When I (perhaps un-wisely) responded, “No”, she replied with the following, “Well, if you want, I have a copy of 127 Hours on my laptop that you can watch. While you were in the toilet the other day, your friend told me how into James Franco you are!” And so there it is, we're not even safe in our own homes as long as our flatmates have access to digital media.

Then and there I decided that WWJFD needed a little updating. Because, apparently, the man isn't going anywhere anytime soon. And thank God for that.

-Stacy Beckley, WWJFD Correspondent reporting from New Zealand

What Would James Franco Do in a London Perfume Ad?

WWJFD Correspondent Kate was on the scene in London to observe this masterpiece in a shop(pe?) window. I believe this could be an example of any of the following: Serious Franco, Laughing At Us Franco, and most assuredly Sexy Franco. The only type I don't see here is Stoner Franco, although it is a well-known fact that True Stoners are able to achieve day-to-day activities while under the influence of herbal refreshment.

We can only conclude that this artifact, unfortunately, provides no further indication of the man behind the (super-sexy) curtain. The super-sexy curtain, though, is effectively instructing me to buy Gucci Sport. Thank you James. Your wisdom reigns anew.

What Would James Franco Do?

So what's the deal with James Franco? Is everything he does a joke or is he completely serious? Does he get high and laugh at our gullibility every night or is he just ACTUALLY the most ridiculous person alive? Let's look at the evidence.

ARGUMENT: James Franco is dead serious. He's one of those undergrads who took a class in elementary philosophy and now has a Nietzsche poster in his room. The one with the mustache.
EVIDENCE: "I have been obsessed with performance art for over a decade—ever since the Mexican performance artist Guillermo Gómez-Peña came to visit my class at Cal Arts summer school." Source: WSJ.com.
ANALYSIS: This quote doubles as a thrilling mad-lib called "pretentious coed." Simply substitute any well-known artist and any college campus. It is important to note that we have all heard this mad-lib from someone who is absolutely serious about his/her enlightenment. The revelations of eighteen-year-olds are no laughing matter.
ROLES: James Dean, that asshat in Spiderman, that movie with Robert DeNiro that no one saw but I think got decent reviews.

COUNTER-ARGUMENT: James Franco is pulling one over on us. He is the jokiest joker that ever joked. I want to be his best friend. The kind of best friend that doubles as a saucy sex partner. Who said that?
EVIDENCE: "I finally took the plunge and experimented with the form myself when I signed on to appear on 20 episodes of "General Hospital" as the bad-boy artist "Franco, just Franco." I disrupted the audience's suspension of disbelief, because no matter how far I got into the character, I was going to be perceived as something that doesn't belong to the incredibly stylized world of soap operas."
ANALYSIS: This is just way too hilarious to be serious. Or it's way too serious to be serious. He's talking about a soap opera. Also, James Franco is not 18. He is some age older than that that I don't feel like looking up right now. He is too old to seriously be having these kind of masturbatory philosophical musings. He is having a cheery laugh at us while eating crumpets.
ROLES: "Franco, just Franco" (COME ON!), Pineapple Express, SNL appearances.

COUNTER-COUNTER ARGUMENT: He's just a Big Stoner.
EVIDENCE: Every filmed interview he's ever done.
ANALYSIS: Big Stoners often have Big Ideas That Make No Sense Without Marijuana. BITMNSWM are known to occur frequently under the influence, and, while intolerably ridiculous to the sober, they can provide both laughs and "Holy shit man"s in the Stoner. The Stoner often has recollections of how amazing his BITMNSWM was while not stoned, and then attempts to tell people about it. Therefore, a Stoner Franco could easily report these ideas whether or not he was stoned, most notably during interviews and promotional tours.
ROLES: Everything that comes up when you YouTube James Franco, Pineapple Express (he was nominated for a Golden Globe. I realize he's an actor and that's the point, but really, who has ever been nominated for playing a stoner?? I did no research on this).

COUNTER-COUNTER-COUNTER ARGUMENT: Who the cuss cares?
EVIDENCE:

ANALYSIS: Omagah. He is so sexy.

This post was conceptualized with the help of Saucy Stacy Beckley.