ARGUMENT: James Fran
co is dead serious. He's one of those undergrads who took a class in elementary philosophy and now has a Nietzsche poster in his room. The one with the mustache.EVIDENCE: "I have been obsessed with performance art for over a decade—ever since the Mexican performance artist Guillermo Gómez-Peña came to visit my class at Cal Arts summer school." Source: WSJ.com.
ANALYSIS: This quote doubles as a thrilling mad-lib called "pretentious coed." Simply substitute any well-known artist and any college campus. It is important to note that we have all heard this mad-lib from someone who is absolutely serious about his/her enlightenment. The revelations of eighteen-year-olds are no laughing matter.
ROLES: James Dean, that asshat in Spiderman, that movie with Robert DeNiro that no one saw but I think got decent reviews.
COUNTER-ARGUMENT: James Franco is pulling one
over on us. He is the jokiest joker that ever joked. I want to be his best friend. The kind of best friend that doubles as a saucy sex partner. Who said that?EVIDENCE: "I finally took the plunge and experimented with the form myself when I signed on to appear on 20 episodes of "General Hospital" as the bad-boy artist "Franco, just Franco." I disrupted the audience's suspension of disbelief, because no matter how far I got into the character, I was going to be perceived as something that doesn't belong to the incredibly stylized world of soap operas."
ANALYSIS: This is just way too hilarious to be serious. Or it's way too serious to be serious. He's talking about a soap opera. Also, James Franco is not 18. He is some age older than that that I don't feel like looking up right now. He is too old to seriously be having these kind of masturbatory philosophical musings. He is having a cheery laugh at us while eating crumpets.
ROLES: "Franco, just Franco" (COME ON!), Pineapple Express, SNL appearances.
COUNTER-COUNT
ER ARGUMENT: He's just a Big Stoner.EVIDENCE: Every filmed interview he's ever done.
ANALYSIS: Big Stoners often have Big Ideas That Make No Sense Without Marijuana. BITMNSWM are known to occur frequently under the influence, and, while intolerably ridiculous to the sober, they can provide both laughs and "Holy shit man"s in the Stoner. The Stoner often has recollections of how amazing his BITMNSWM was while not stoned, and then attempts to tell people about it. Therefore, a Stoner Franco could easily report these ideas whether or not he was stoned, most notably during interviews and promotional tours.
ROLES: Everything that comes up when you YouTube James Franco, Pineapple Express (he was nominated for a Golden Globe. I realize he's an actor and that's the point, but really, who has ever been nominated for playing a stoner?? I did no research on this).
COUNTER-COUNTER-COUNTER ARGUMENT: Who the cuss cares?
EVIDENCE:
ANALYSIS: Omagah. He is so sexy.
This post was conceptualized with the help of Saucy Stacy Beckley.
